I dropped by two estate sales yesterday.

The first sale was typical. It was in the home of an elderly woman who collected teacups, salt and pepper shakers, and handkerchiefs. Knick-knacks, dusty books, and family photographs were also for sale. (It always makes me sad when I see family photos for sale, although I am sometimes tempted to buy them up and use them for a project, putting captions under pictures. However, realizing that someone else might do that someday with my old pictures stops me in my tracks.) All I got at that sale was a slight respiratory reaction to the stale air in the basement where most of the secondhand goods were displayed. Can’t say for sure, but it seemed like the deceased had been a longtime smoker.

The other estate sale was one of the funkiest I’ve ever attended. The small and charming 1940’s house was chocked full of “unique” items. In the corner of the teeny-tiny living room, a 51-inch TV stood with a price tag of $95. It was on; the picture was great, and a woman was haggling with the estate sale worker.
“Can you go down any in price?”
“I really can’t. I’ve already told you I’ll reduce it by ten dollars.”
The buyer stared at the TV as if not sure $85 was a good deal. (I almost offered to buy the thing and I don’t need a TV!)
“Excuse me,” I said as I squeezed past the indecisive shopper.
Before I moved past the dining room into the kitchen, I learned a lot about the deceased. Embossed ash trays and pilfered hotel toiletries indicated that he had been to Vegas a time or two. The Civil War had interested the man; beaucoup books on the topic were stacked on the shelves. You knew the deceased had been a cook. That was evident by a mere glance at the countertops filled with juicers, stock pots, food processors, and cookbooks. The bedrooms had dapper clothes hanging in the closets. Despite the absence of pictures to prove it, I was sure he’d been a sharp-dressed man, a ladies man. A few fine women’s effects were strewn about (perhaps things he had kept in remembrance of a wife who died before him? or maybe things left behind by girlfriends?). However, the pièces de résistance were in the basement.
As I made my way down the steep stairs, people who were coming up were tittering about what was there underground. As I rounded the corner at the bottom, the spectacle appeared. Scenes were set up on tables lining the walls and in the middle of the room depicting dozens of military guys in action (and I do mean “in action”). The guys were G.I. Joe’s and Ken dolls that had been dressed in matching garb according to branches of service. I heard a woman tell another woman that “he wanted to enlist, but because he was an only child, he couldn’t be accepted” and that “he build all this and made all the clothes by hand.” Incredible enough, but that’s not the best part: Barbie dolls in homemade sheath dresses or slammerkins had been posted on street corners in stiff-armed embraces of some of the Joe’s and Kens. There was even what looked like a brothel built to scale, but I averted my eyes and did not look in the windows with my giant Gulliver eyeball. I did chuckle like everybody else down there. Miraculously, no one guffawed.
I had to have a memento of the man I wish I’d known; but I didn’t inquire about the dolls and dollhouses. It felt wrong to break up that set. So, I left the estate sale with a couple of hotel soaps at 25 cents apiece and a big smile on my face.

This guy goes into a coma. His advanced directives aren’t in place. At least, no financial POA (power of attorney) has been named. COBRA (insurance) runs out in a few days. Nobody can legally make any decisions for the man, and he certainly can’t do it for himself. He has a twenty-something-year-old son. An attorney has to arrange to have the son named as the POA and this takes time and money. In the meantime, an ex-wife comes out of the woodwork and starts sniffing around. Loose ends abound.

What starts out sounding like a joke is a true, sad story that is happening and unfolding now (people tell me stuff). It’s also too common. Make it easy on your loved ones–easier, at least. Set up the advanced directives, just in case it’s you we’re talking about when we say, “This guy goes into a coma . . . ”

I asked Ali in New Zealand about her friend’s funeral.
Her unedited response:

OMG I am still reeling from the funeral!!!!!! It was a 20 minute gig and I am still not sure if it was Mad Maureen’s farewell it could have been Jane Doe’s. All the priest said was she was a good wife, mother, grandmother and he repeated that 3 times. He said something about her frail body now being at peace, frail body, my back-side she was 5 foot nothing but tough as old boots. And that was it. No one was invited to go up and share little snippets of her life. The organ music began to crescendo to an ear splitting volume during the Lord’s Prayer, there was a very pungent smell of burning and the sound speakers kept crackling. Just after the hearse left 2 fire engines arrived as there was an electrical fire in the “new” sound system wiring in the chapel. I was so livered about the service that the next day I rang the funeral directors and voiced my disgust. My eldest daughter rang them as well and she was told that someone had tackled the priest about the service when he had left the chapel, I bet he got an earful. Their excuse was that this is what Mau’s husband had wanted. Short and sweet. Short yes, sweet no. They were really concerned that we felt that way though (I cynically said to my daughter “Yeah bad for business”), my attitude was Robin needed guidance and they failed to give him such. At least they could have suggested some options to work with. They had 5 days where they could have approached him after his initial 3 minute meeting (I bet he had had a few beers) to try to give him some advice. This should have been a real fun funeral ’cause Mad Maureen was so funny. I wish I had had the gumption to have got up and said “Just hold on a minute before you whip her away I want to say something” I guess I was just so gob-smacked about the cold, soulless send off she got I was just not thinking quick enough at the time. Although some of the blame is on Robin for not being forth-coming with information about Maureen’s life I can only but hope that the funeral home tries harder in future to help so called clueless family members give their loved ones good send-offs. Geoff told me off about ringing the F.D.’s he said it was none of my business, I told him she was part of the Sisterhood, she was 61 and to be shoved off in 20 minutes was appalling, that’s not even 30 seconds for each year she had lived. Now I can manage a weak laugh at the smell of smoke wafting through the chapel (Maureen was a prolific smoker) and the fire-engines turning up with at least 8 hunky fire-fighters, shame she missed that.
Enough, I have had my little vent.
Love Ali-Alma
PS I’ve told my kids, 1 hour, lots of kudos and Caribbean Queen not the Lord’s Prayer. My son-in-law suggested that they hire Billy Ocean if he is on tour over here at that time to sing CQ because Chapel sound systems are notoriously smokey.
A

Thank you to all who sent condolences and offered prayers for my sister’s family and her son. And if you would do a favor for me and send this letter out to everyone, I hope it will enlighten people to the very real complications of mononucleosis.

As some of you already know, my nephew, Thomas, passed away on January 6 from complications of mono. My sister, Debbie, and her family live in Jackson, Tennessee and she and her husband have two sons: Michael, 23 and Thomas, 20.

Thomas was an adorable young man–a sophomore at the University of Alabama majoring in Marine Biology–and loved and respected by everyone he knew. When he came home for the holidays from school, he did not feel well. He told his parents that he just felt like “crap” and didn’t have any interest in going out with his high school buddies who were all home for Christmas. He was diagnosed with mono at a clinic in Jackson, and suffered through Christmas with the typical mono symptoms, including general body aches and severe sore throat. On January 2, he became confused and experienced blurred vision and very painful headaches and was admitted to the neuro floor of the hospital with a diagnosis of encephalomyelitis, a complication of the mono virus. Over the course of the next few days he was never really coherent, and had constant and severe headaches. In the early morning hours of January 5, he stopped breathing due to rapid swelling of his brain, and even emergency surgery to relieve pressure on the brain didn’t help. On the morning of January 6, Thomas was pronounced dead from this horrific complication.

My family has been devastated, as you can imagine, and I learned from talking with his neurologist that this is certainly not a rare occurrence. My daughter, Shelby, had mono in the spring, as many kids have had at her high school, and I certainly never imagined anything even remotely similar to this happening to her. Oddly enough, her doctor never mentioned this possibility. I only found out about encephalitis as a complication after I asked about the ramifications of this disease. Even then, I suppose I took it lightly and never really worried. I did watch her very closely and the disease resolved itself after a little over two weeks.

My worry now is that most parents probably have no idea that a child can die quickly from having mono. Please press your doctor for information if mono is diagnosed in one of your children. Thomas’s doctor never mentioned encephalitis as a complication. Watch them and listen carefully to them and never hesitate to call the doctor with questions if you’re not sure of something. This letter is not meant as a scare tactic and you shouldn’t automatically think the worst, but being aware may help. And, in my opinion, if a doctor does not mention this type of complication, this is a disservice to you as a parent.

In addition, teachers may not realize just how sick a student can be. We faced this dilemma with one of Shelby’s teachers who was totally inflexible with make-up work and tests, so catching up was very difficult for her, which resulted in lower grades in a very difficult class.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for Thomas and his family. He was a gift to us for too short a time and will be missed always. We have had quite the education from this experience and if you could share this information with family and friends, hopefully a family may benefit from the information in the event that mono is diagnosed in their child.

Patti

A few days before Christmas, Tonya’s father died unexpectedly. Dropping everything–work, shopping, festivities–Tonya traveled across the country to be with her brother and sort things out. While in her dad’s home, Tonya discovered a pretty necklace her father had bought for her and a beautiful letter he wrote stating how much he loved her.

Amazing gifts to cherish forever.

Dear blog reader,
Earlier this year, I teamed up with Adria Ellerbrock to give a talk in the workplace about preplanning for the big bye-bye. Adria has devised user-friendly documents that would make terrific, meaningful holiday gifts. Go to Adria’s website, print the pages and slip them in a folder for someone you love. You can read more about Adria and her project below. I hope you do.
Sincerely,
Jo

Adria A. Ellerbrock created the “My Goodbye” section of www.AMomentThatLivesOn.com to promote the benefits of thorough death planning. Through her Web site, she provides valuable information including a number of FREE user-friendly documents designed to help individuals think about and document their wishes regarding important topics that must be addressed after they are gone. These free documents are downloadable and can be completed in the privacy of a person’s home or office. In
addition, the site provides a listing of local professional resources to help with the critical legal components of death planning. Spare your friends and family additional heartache and headache after you die. Visit www.AMomentThatLivesOn.com to learn more.